Elle M NOPe

First off, I ‘don’t care if I use all 26 letters in this update of my life. There are more important things on whether my vocabulary is using all the letters available.

Today I booked a series of sessions with a counsellor. One who not only deals with regular mental health problems like anxiety and PTSD – both of which I need help in. But she is also works with sexual empowerment for women. Which is something I have never experienced before. Not so surprising though – I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (by a stranger), and physical abuse/emotional cruelty (familial) as well as having experienced severe abuse in my relationships both emotional and sexual (boyfriend) . So now I am at an age where I should have almost grown up children – and been on my second marriage – to find that not only do I not have children, have never been married but am terrified of having a committed relationship where my partner is here full time – or even half time. I am unable to sleep next to someone without believing I will die before morning light.

I have seen a psychiatrist before – who regressed me back to my childhood and helped me go through certain developmental stages I missed the first time around due to the abuse. And while it did help me assert myself (in some not totally mature ways) and helped me find a voice – it didnt exactly help me heal enough to have a healthy relationship. I have also worked with a soul coach – and more healing happened. But it ended when I felt that I was being asked to forgive someone for doing horrendous things to me – because they may have been emasculated by a mother figure. I am always being asked to forgive others. And yet I allow myself to be reprimanded for the choices of others. Mostly because I dont ever feel safe enough to stand up for myself. Let alone ask for what I want.

In terms of sexual empowerment, I have no idea what I want. Or what to ask for. Because my primary concern is to keep myself safe. So this journey that starts on Tuesday should be interesting. It’s time that I make a healed self my priority.

I am tired of feeling sad about where I am in my life.