Elle M NOPe

Happy Mothers Day to everyone who has cared for and looked after another being. I hope you are all doing something that brings you great joy today.

I have a complicated relationship with my own mother, but I still want to wish her well, though I suspect she doesn’t want to hear it right now. As she has chosen this weekend to let me know that she is dying. And chose to do it in a spectacularly self destructive way. I have had about 15hrs to process this information. And I am mostly angry at her. And while she at some point needs to hear my angry thoughts, I am not going to do that while she is feeling vulnerable and in a place where she feels the need to be hurtful because she is hurting.

So instead of lashing out at her, I am going to concentrate on the lessons my mother has taught me.

1. The most important thing you can be is independent – you do not need to rely on anyone for help or assistance. I am pretty sure I have taken this advice to the extreme, and probably should learn to let people into my life now. Though for a long time I was an island surrounded by man-eating sharks, orcas, and jellyfish.
2. Drive – my mother was a hyper focused, super successful person in business. She had one goal, and worked at it diligently until she achieved it. She sacrificed a lot for it. But she reached her goals. All of them.
3. Put yourself first – Self Care is key. We used to make fun of her for weekly manicures, and wine nights. But now that I am older, I see that for what that was really about. Taking time out for yourself, a little quiet time without kids running around yelling at each other, and a release from a long day at the office. Unwinding is good for you. It’s taken me a long time to realize how important it is to have a balance in your life. And while I am not sure she ever achieved a balance. She definitely showed me what happens if you dont take care of yourself regularly.
4. Find your tribe – it’s important to have a community around you. She has always been very good at this. I suppose being an extrovert helps a lot with this. My mother surrounds herself with people who are very similar in personality. She is their leader. This group brings her great joy, and a sense of purpose in her later years. I dont really have this, preferring to be alone rather than with a lot of people. But I can see how it would make a difference in one’s life, having a sense of belonging to something greater than just yourself. Funny how independence and belonging to a community book end this list. But contradiction is also something that was very present in my life with her.

Growing up in a house run by a narcissist isnt easy, but the moments of joy and pleasure are found if I look for them. And so today, while I spend time with my parents, and my siblings, I am going to honour such memories, and a mother who tried her best, and who is now trying to face a difficult future with some grace.

Though this holiday is a difficult one for my family, we are going to make some memories today. And that is my wish for all of you. Make some memories today.